If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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