There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
