Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
whose parrot is this?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
we're so committed to being not committed
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
