Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
