Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
