You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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