Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
