Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
