Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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