textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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