U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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