Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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