And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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