That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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