I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
