If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
