How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
