Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
