I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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