last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
