I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
