Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
