am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
