Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
