i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
