I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
