some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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