Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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