I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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