Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Randomize
