chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
