We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
