my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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