I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
