I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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