We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
