Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
