does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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