think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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