You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
