I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
