what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
