I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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