why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
