You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize