I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
