you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
