I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
