My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
