If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
