I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
