started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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