Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
