the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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