I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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