So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
